At this point, if you are reading this, you have probably already done some sort of investigating or maybe even used  spy equipment to find out what is going on.I know that you are anxious about your situation and you want answers – is your spouse cheating or not? If you suspect you spouse or partner of cheating, and plan on doing some snooping around, what you don’t do may be every bit as important as what you do. In general you do not want to tip your cheating spouse off to the fact that you are suspicious of their cheating or infidelity.

The biggest mistake that you could possibly make is to confront your spouse before you have done an investigation and/or have proof of the affair that they cannot deny. You should not, in any way, let your spouse know that you suspicious. He/she is already being secretive and hiding the truth from you. If you tip them off it will make it harder to find the truth.

They will most likely deny it if you ask them directly ,and they really don’t have a choice. He / she has to deny it if they are not cheating. If you are right about the infidelity, but they still want to save your marriage, they will deny it for fear of ending or badly damaging your relationship. If they are cheating on you and they plan on leaving, our experience tells us that they will lie to you until the very last minute for one of two reasons, the person they want to be with is not 110% committed to be with them indefinitely or they feel that they cannot get divorced due to monetary or religious concerns. In short, there is almost no opportunity for the truth to come out on it’s own and if it does, the timing is completely controlled by your unfaithful spouse.

The bottom line is that if he/she knows that you are onto them they will go to even greater lengths to cover their tracks, making it even more difficult for you to find out the truth.

Please read my free course on how to catch a cheating spouse

Unfaithfulness is not the number one cause of divorce, but it runs a close second.  The dynamics of infidelity and why a spouse cheats are rather easy to recognize but ever-so-difficult to get past.  Generally speaking, upon average, a spouse doesn’t anticipate to cheat or premeditate being unfaithful; it’s usually something that “just happens” due to circumstances within the marriage that weakened his or her resistance to enticement. 

When a couple is having marriage troubles and don’t work to get past those challenges, this leads to a layering effect; one challenge leads to another and then another and before you know it, you have layer upon layer of challenges that seem too deep to ever dig through.  This leads to an unhappy marriage and an gloomy marriage leads to unfaithfulness.  I’m not saying that all couples with marriage troubles will have infidelity issues to deal with; I’m simply saying it makes it easier for the cheating spouse to validate his or her actions.  To comprehend this complex thing you might check out “The Anatomy of An Affair” which will clarify in detail the hows and why’s of unfaithfulness. 

If you cheated, chances are you are feeling plenty guilty, and by right, you should.  But there is expectation to save your marriage even after cheating on your spouse; the process isn’t easy and may take a long time to get past, but if you are stern about saving your marriage, you can do it.  The following are five steps you can take to put your marriage back on track and get past the issue of infidelity.

Admittance

Chances are as soon as the sex is over you will be hit with an amazing weight of guilt; this is the time to confront your demons.  The longer you linger, the longer you have to justify your actions.  Also, the longer you wait and your partner doesn’t find out, it will make it easier for you to cheat again.  Admitting your mistake to yourself and to your spouse is the first step towards saving your marriage.

Make No Excuses

Apologize but do not make excuses for your actions.  No matter how awful your marriage is, there is no excuse for being unfaithful.  Even if your partner was unfaithful in the past; this does not make it ok for you to be unfaithful.  Trying to give reasons for your being unfaithful is the same as blaming your partner for your mistake.

Talk

You and your partner must discuss your relationship troubles and if need be, seek marriage assistance.  You can do this by going to a marriage counselor or by working together, as a couple, to try to save your marriage together.  If you are unsure and don’t know where to start at this point, you might want to read, “Save My Marriage Today” for some very useful tips and direction to get you through this difficult time in your marriage.

Rebuild Confidence

Trust is given freely until it is betrayed; after that you have to earn it back.  This will be the most complicated part of the course as people are very slow to ever trust again once they’ve been hurt by unfaithfulness.  You can anticipate your spouse to have continuing suspicions and doubts and it may take months or even years to totally get their trust back.  Remember, you are the one who broke the trust  and you are the one who has to resolve it.  You can’t get resentful if your spouse has continued confidence  issues; be thankful that he or she didn’t send you packing and is willing to work this out.

Keep Working

You can build a tough, durable marriage again but it will take time and dedication.  There are plenty of ways you can show your devotion to the marriage and your willingness to make it work.  If you wish to make a distinction in your marriage and build it even stronger than it was before, you can read “The Magic of Making Up” to give you new found hope in even the most bleak situations.

Being unfaithful doesn’t have to end your marriage if you are ready to work to save your marriage.  It’s a commitment you have to make, not only to your spouse, but to yourself.  You will have to re-create the foundation of your marriage and then continually keep re-creating the foundation, but if you are persistent and tolerant, you can have a sturdier, more loving marriage then what you had before.